Living Like A Turtle

When I’m asked to describe myself, I often refer to myself as a turtle. I say a turtle because I have lived my life as such. Staying inside my protective shell, hidden away from the drama, disappointment, back stabbing, “all about me” society we live in. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. Years ago after being hurt and betrayed by some of the people I trusted most; I balled up and climbed into my shell. I tell you I loved my shell.  It was my way of dealing with the pain of it all or not dealing with it all I should say. It worked well for me though… for a long time, and I was good with that.

I woke up one day feeling so alone. Surrounded by family, but yet, still alone.  It was like I was hidden too deep within myself... like a shell within my shell. It was then that I realized I could no longer live my life like a turtle. Although my shell made me feel protected and safe, I sometimes feel it did more harm than good. It served its purpose of keeping out the bad but it also kept out the good. It kept some of the right people from getting close to me especially some of the key people who should've been close to me.  On that day, I decided I needed to turtle up and poke my head out into the real world.  I started opening up to receiving new friendships and nourishing the ones I had neglected over the years. I vowed to stop living within myself.

I will admit things were going well for a while. I got really comfortable outside my shell. Then damn… it happened.  Lies were told, truths were twisted, confidences were broken, and friendships shattered. All of the horrible things I tried to shelter myself from came crashing down around me. As a result, I hauled my behind back to my shell as fast as I could because it’s safe there. It protects me. It keeps all of the negativity and foolishness out.  I know I can’t live my life in this shell forever but I will stay here until I am comfortable enough to come out again. The difference this time is I promise not to lose myself within my shell. Despite it all, I love life. I love living... even if it’s like a turtle.

My True Essence